This may be the beginning to you but not so much for me. In April of 2010 I was having a very regular dinner out with friends and I randomly spouted " I think I want to run." Where this came from, I still don't know. I knew I was overweight, they knew I was overweight. One does not just randomly say things like this... but I did. Over a grilled vegetable salad. With chocolate cake for dessert, of course. I was celebrating finishing up my Bachelors degree and enjoying the feeling of no more finals.
I have lovely friends. Each are unique but all share a common thread of "thinness" to be sure. One in particular, we'll call her "A" is like a tall, graceful Gazelle. She runs on a regular basis among other sporty activities and I knew she would be a good starting point, (she was). My other friend, my warrior friend, let's call her "J" has been my encourager, my early morning running partner, and beholder of all things unattractive about me from physical awkwardness to poor attitudes. She is petite and beautiful with one of the kindest hearts I know. She functions on very little sleep, is a great mom to her kids, patient wife, etc. She then meets up with me throughout the week to exercise; I'm lucky to call her friend. Our friendship has been cemented through the trenches and happy victories we've shared through running/exercise.
She is the one that met me for my very first run in mid May on a hot day at a park filled with children, bugs, and runners going waaaaay faster than me. I had on new shoes she helped me pick out, a supreme sports bar that I lovingly refer to as "The Iron Maiden" and new sweat-wicking away clothes. Where I run is a great park around a man- made body of water that is 1.5 miles in circumference. That first trip around took over an hour and I ran approximately 40 yards before I had to stop, gasping for air. Leave it to me to pick a new outside adventure such as running in the throes of summer heat and humidity! Poor J was so patient with me, Things were pretty bleak back then, I was hauling around a lot of extra weight and started out pushing too hard. We walk/jogged for 5 days in a row and I had such bad shin splints and was just sore everywhere...what the hell was I thinking? Regardless, I signed up for a 5k in July with 2 goals in mind, I didn't want to be last and I didn't want to walk any of it. I'm happy to say after months of prepping (o.k., like 2)I accomplished this goal with A by my side and my cousin D who stayed with me the whole time (J had to work, sadly). I was incredibly slow and people were walking faster then I was moving but I did it and was proud to cross that finish line.
I'd like to say that this is what hooked me on running and I've found my niche per se. NOT so, gentle reader. Running and I broke up for awhile the rest of the summer after the race. It was hot and oh yeah, I still hated it. I never and still have not gotten used to the pain of my body pushing itself. I don't enjoy the lung burning feeling and I have never come close to the ethereal, though never experienced "runner's high."
I joined a 24 hour gym with J so that she could care for her kids and husband and then head to the gym (I wasn't kidding about the very little sleep thing) and sweat it out on a treadmill and weight room with me. We have done this 3 times a week for roughly 7 months and I lost a bit more weight but not as much as just pure running outside. A few months ago we decided we needed a goal and decided to train for a 5k in May, we recently started running outside and what a nice change that is! Spring is here and has renewed my inner thoughts towards running again.
I'm happy ( I think) to say running and I are back together, though I still can't say I love the bastard all that much. I have sore hips and legs everyday and a penchant for Advil that keeps Rite-Aid in business. However, I've managed to get over my weight plateau by moving under my own accord outside rather than the treadmill. I still have plenty more weight to lose and I think running will be the key.
So here I am, an awkward runner trying to sort through a brain muddled with negative self talk and an aching body that still has so far to go. I wish I was able to not be so hard on myself...I have made progress. I can run 3 miles under 40 minutes on a good day; this is a HUGE improvement to less than a year ago when I could barely run 1/4 mile. There are days that I struggle still and I can't crank out those 3 miles either at all or as fast as I would like. But you know what? I'm still out there in the early morning hours plodding away the dust tracks of other runners before me. This counts for a lot more than I'm giving myself credit for...why can't I pat myself on the back and quit complaining? "My ___________hurts, it's hot, I'm tired, etc." The simple answer is I'm afraid. I'm afraid of complacency that if I congratulate myself too much I will slip back in to the shadows, that none of this will be real. The aches and pains , though painful and bothersome remind me that I'm actually doing this THING. The feel of my fat jiggling reminds me that I have oh so far to go still, you would think that would be enough to stop the complacency beast in its tracks! I'm hoping as more time passes and my body gets stronger from the years of neglect that there comes a time where I can just love myself. My big goal aside from losing weight and getting myself in to shape is to learn to love myself on this journey at each step. Love my jiggling stomach, love my aching joints, love my mental stalwartness. It will come, it's coming, I see it up around the next corner.
