Heat, Humidity and Self-Realizations, OH MY!

It's been a real scorcher this week in the East and I'm dumb enough to say I experienced it first hand. On Thursday, J and I met up with our friends who are training for a half marathon. they started at 6am and we met at 7am. It was REALLY hot already, in the 90's and very humid. So humid in fact that I was unable to sweat properly which meant for a lot of overheating and inefficient running on my part. I'm sad to say that my over all time was pretty unremarkable but there were moments to enjoy. I saw a cardinal and a blue jay and I can neither confirm nor deny that a 31 year old woman was seen running through the sprinklers of many people's homes shrieking with delight. We all finished up our runs at various times and we were high-fiving each other and commiserating over the amount of suck that it indeed was. Which brings me to a fairly unlovely realization about myself.

My somewhat competitive nature has at times posed undue stress to my inner mental workings. I find that I tend to judge my athletic worth and a little bit of my self-worth to be honest on what people of similar body shape are doing (are they running faster, longer, better?). I'm finding this particularly challenging while my similarly body-shaped co-horts are finishing up their 7 mile run and I barely finished up 4. It's important to note that I am very proud of them and encouraging of their running endeavors, but this is secret me speaking...(*tap, tap* is this microphone on ?*), confession time: IT DRIVES ME NUTS! (*dropping microphone and stomping offstage*).

 I have been thinking about this a lot over the past few weeks since their running schedule has them overshooting my baby mileage in to full grown, adult mileage. Here's the bottom line: I have no interest in running 13 miles anytime soon. I have the opportunity to participate in the half marathon but I am choosing not to for multiple reasons. Namely, I just don't feel ready. I don't know where my relationship with running is going to go, for now we're living in the same house but sleeping in separate beds. I'm doing it because I know it is helping me achieve my weight loss goals but I don't want to snuggle up to it clutching my bottle of advil and heating pad every night, because guess what? the bastard talks in his sleep with thoughtful little diddies like: of  "are you going to be ready?" "How are you going to fit in a long run today?" "You are going to poop yourself while running?" (I'm serious about that last one, google it my friends, it happens and it terrifies me every run).

All dramatics aside, I realised that I have come to a little bit of a crossroads, me and this running thing. What else do I want from it? Even longer story short, I have decided that I'm happy to stick around the 6 mile range for awhile. As my Mom would say "luxuriate" in it for a bit...I tend to not do this very well. Once I accomplish something it's often "what's next?" While not an entirely bad motto, (it keeps me from being complacent, hey there's that word again, noticing a theme here folks?), I find that I may rush through these moments of back-slapping and high-fiving without experiencing the whole enchilada. In terms of running, I can acknowledge that there are things to work on. I want to run 6 miles well. This means that I need to work on lowering my pace mile, streamline my stride, etc. Could I run a half marathon by September? Yes, I'm sure I could run/walk it and cross the finish line with an abysmal time that would leave me disappointed in myself. However, I know me. I want to do that with more training under my belt, and the opportunity to do it as best as I can. My motivation is not to say I finished it, but that I finished it well and that is going to take some work on my part. What's that saying? The journey is more important then the destiantion? Hey look at me! I'm waxing philosophic!

With all of this being said, I don't begrudge my friends for working towards their goal of running the half marathon. They each have their specific, personal reasons for doing so. I will be the first one there on that September morning cheering them in and likely shedding a tear or two...it's going to be a great day for these girls and I am so very proud of them. However, I need to realize that my worth cannot be based on what others are doing before or after me. Someone will always be faster, more efficient, etc. I want to enjoy this journey even though it's a huge rock I'm circling everyday. I'm 5 pounds away from being at the 60 pounds lost mark and I need to be able to look back at all that hard work and say "Hey you, the sweaty one over there, with the uni-boob! Yeah you...well done!" And believe it.